Two Paths Diverge In My Head

Guilt and responsibility.  That is the tug of war du jour.  Have you ever found yourself stranded between two ways to approach a situation?  I have.  And currently I am torn between guilt and responsibility.  

There is a line from the movie Parenthood that Steve Martin delivers after he is confronted with something he can’t get away from.  “My whole life is ‘have to’.”  Way back in 1989 it seemed a pithy little line.  It seems to have genuine meaning these days.  I don’t want to sound like I’m swirling in an emotional morass; torn and dejected, having only two options to rudder me through.  No, dear readers.  It’s not quite that bad yet.  But I’d be less than honest if I told you that this hasn’t been in the foreground of my mind lately.

As a parent, husband, son and brother, I tend to feel a certain path is dictated depending on which of those hats I’m wearing at a given time.  No sense in going into the specifics of each path, because I assume you get the idea.  Whether it is by expectations of those around me or some internal mechanism, there is a clear avenue to me when choosing how to navigate any situation as it pertains to my kids, wife, dad or sister.  Thankfully, the way is generally similar for each.  True is true.  If my reactions come honestly from inside, then I believe they can’t be too wrong.  Please don’t call me on this…we both know I’ve gotten some horrifically incorrect.  But you know what I mean.

Where the above mentioned tug of war rears its head is when I want to react differently but my sense of responsibility dictates to shut the hell up and do what’s needed.  I’m not saying I would deceive in my advice or empathy.  But when all you want to do is rail against the world or retreat completely from it, it feels somehow wrong to put on a different face.   Therein lays the quandary.  Is it better to be what those close to you need or serve yourself in times of stress?  I choose the former.  However, that does not mean it doesn’t leave something incomplete.

I suppose there’s a lesson in this.  There’s at least one, but they don’t seem to go hand in hand.  I truly believe that the more selfless act is better in times of crisis.  It furthers the good of the many over the good of the one (hehe), but at a cost.  There is always that nagging in the back of my head...”You’re doing a good job, but you don’t feel right.”  Or, “You realize this will catch up to you at some point and your head will explode when it does.”  I try to dismiss that second one, since I think it’s just my brain being hyperbolic, but you never know.

I really hope I’m doing the responsible thing for those that (whether real or imagined) lean on me.  I like to think I’m rather good at stowing all the crap away in my brain, sticking next to the lonely mouse gnawing on his cheese.  I have to believe that because the guilt of not feeling the way I want to feel, not feeling the way I think I’m supposed to feel, is weighty to say the least.  Not sure if writing that makes me cavalier, humble, arrogant or just plain melodramatic.  Maybe all of it.  I’ll let you judge.

Guilt and Responsibility.

RALSTON HAS SPOKEN

There Are No Words...

It's been a long time away from your favorite blog.  Hope I haven't lost too many of you.  It's been a hell of a Winter so far...it can only get better....

So, now that I’ve experienced the full gambit that stage four cancer has to offer (short of actually contracting the disease) I think I have the familiarity to say that it pretty much sucks.  No crap, you’re thinking.  But it’s been a while since I’ve written anything….been able to write anything….and thought it would be nice to start off with something easy.

I contend that no one who has gone through this can say with any honesty that some good can come of it.  There is nothing on the planet good enough to make me think that.  Anyone who tells you that is about to try to sell you something.  But I have learned a thing or two, mostly about myself.

One lesson learned is that when you lose someone close, you almost never react the way you think you will, or think you should.  We all have a sense of ourselves and can normally predict what reaction a given situation will elicit.  However, I was surprised to find that, at least in this instance, the circumstances are so profound that my internal order was (is) in chaos.  Those of you out there that are lucky enough to know me well will agree that I’m not exactly an enigma.  I’m almost proud to be an open book.  I have no need to keep too much hidden and am happy to allow friends access to my true feelings.  Last week has shown me that I can be mysterious even to myself.

There are a myriad of ways we are taught or ways we glean from all manner of influences.  They shape how we respond to nearly anything.  They always seem reasonable because we’ve seen others show us the way.  Then something happens that no imagining can truly prepare you for.  There is a reigning philosophy that with enough time and knowledge you can prepare yourself for anything.  Guess what.  You can’t.  Well, I couldn’t.  And since I consider myself on the far high end of any bell curve, I assume it’s the same for darn near anyone else.

You can tell yourself a thousand times that you know what’s coming.  You know it will be sad.  You know it will hurt.  You know, you know, you know.  You just don’t know.  The psychological wallop is too much to process.  It’s so big you’re left wondering, “Hmm, I guess that’s, that.”  All the while your insides are turned to jelly but your brain is running so far behind the chasm won’t allow what you expect is a normal reaction.

I don’t know how long this will last.  Part of me actually hopes it will linger for a very long time, not wanting to forget.  I suspect the ebb and flow will be pretty tumultuous for some time before settling back to “normal”.

So, dear readers, I apologize if this is a bit more maudlin than you are used to getting from me, but every once in a while the exercise needs doing.  I hope it made sense.  See you again soon.

RALSTON HAS SPOKEN