Guilt and responsibility. That is the tug of war du jour. Have you ever found yourself stranded between two ways to approach a situation? I have. And currently I am torn between guilt and responsibility.
There is a line from the movie Parenthood that Steve Martin delivers after he is confronted with something he can’t get away from. “My whole life is ‘have to’.” Way back in 1989 it seemed a pithy little line. It seems to have genuine meaning these days. I don’t want to sound like I’m swirling in an emotional morass; torn and dejected, having only two options to rudder me through. No, dear readers. It’s not quite that bad yet. But I’d be less than honest if I told you that this hasn’t been in the foreground of my mind lately.
As a parent, husband, son and brother, I tend to feel a certain path is dictated depending on which of those hats I’m wearing at a given time. No sense in going into the specifics of each path, because I assume you get the idea. Whether it is by expectations of those around me or some internal mechanism, there is a clear avenue to me when choosing how to navigate any situation as it pertains to my kids, wife, dad or sister. Thankfully, the way is generally similar for each. True is true. If my reactions come honestly from inside, then I believe they can’t be too wrong. Please don’t call me on this…we both know I’ve gotten some horrifically incorrect. But you know what I mean.
Where the above mentioned tug of war rears its head is when I want to react differently but my sense of responsibility dictates to shut the hell up and do what’s needed. I’m not saying I would deceive in my advice or empathy. But when all you want to do is rail against the world or retreat completely from it, it feels somehow wrong to put on a different face. Therein lays the quandary. Is it better to be what those close to you need or serve yourself in times of stress? I choose the former. However, that does not mean it doesn’t leave something incomplete.
I suppose there’s a lesson in this. There’s at least one, but they don’t seem to go hand in hand. I truly believe that the more selfless act is better in times of crisis. It furthers the good of the many over the good of the one (hehe), but at a cost. There is always that nagging in the back of my head...”You’re doing a good job, but you don’t feel right.” Or, “You realize this will catch up to you at some point and your head will explode when it does.” I try to dismiss that second one, since I think it’s just my brain being hyperbolic, but you never know.
I really hope I’m doing the responsible thing for those that (whether real or imagined) lean on me. I like to think I’m rather good at stowing all the crap away in my brain, sticking next to the lonely mouse gnawing on his cheese. I have to believe that because the guilt of not feeling the way I want to feel, not feeling the way I think I’m supposed to feel, is weighty to say the least. Not sure if writing that makes me cavalier, humble, arrogant or just plain melodramatic. Maybe all of it. I’ll let you judge.
Guilt and Responsibility.
RALSTON HAS SPOKEN
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