.....Or Get Off the Pot

One day you’re walking through the living room and step on a transformer.  Ouch!  It’s maddening and you bark that they need to get picked up.   Then you grab them and put them in a box.  The next time you notice them before crushing one, and tell your son that there will be consequences if he forgets again.  Then you move them aside so they aren’t in the way.  The third time, you proclaimed that the next time little Timmy forgets to clean up his toys and leaves action figures strewn about the floor they will go in the trash.  You know what happens on day four?   Nothing.  Nothing but more shouting about keeping toys neat and what will happen next time.  You know what else just happened?  Little Timmy learned that he owns you.

They say that kids benefit from routine.  “They” in this case being those who know more than I about how children really develop.  They say kids learn fast.  They say kids are smarter than we give them credit (I would argue this about many, MANY children, but that’s a different essay).  So, if all that is true, then you just established a routine in which no action was required by your child, no real consequences were dealt, and nothing substantial changed.  That is, except maybe your blood pressure.

I’ve seen it countless times; parents threatening their kids with something that gets no follow through.  For several years I owned a business for kids.  We had play time, birthday parties, etc.  Literally, on a daily basis I witnessed some out of control child get admonished by mom or dad and threatened with leaving early, denial of snack, whatever.  Minutes later, Little Suzie was back to her old ways and the parent was threatening the EXACT SAME THING!  How dumb do you think Suzie is?  If I know that you aren’t taking her out of there early after seeing this happen only once, then it’s a sure bet that she knows you have no intention of going through with it as well.

Even I, parent of the year, have succumbed to the easy way out.  I like to think I’ve done it less than most.  But who knows.  I do know that every time I do it, I’m aware of how much harder it makes the job of parenting.  It’s one thing to get away with the threat of taking something away.  It will work once, maybe twice...but that’s probably as far as you’ll get.  It’s a whole different story when a box of Lego finds the bottom of a trash can.  That sort of thing is remembered.  That will effect a change.

There’s nothing wrong with actually taking action.  More so, it’s probably in everyone’s best interest.  You can gain peace of mind that things will go more the way you want, and your child will have learned, really learned, a valuable lesson that actions (or lack thereof) can have a cost.  This is a base on which behavior is built.  And it will be built at some point, but you don’t want it to be too late.  Would it be better to be learned for the first time in school, in a relationship, at work?  Of course not.  Why not take care of it before things get out of hand?

And there’s a secondary reason for enacting whatever warning you give to little Timmy.  You won’t be judged and mocked by other adults around you.  And there is mocking.  Darn near every time I see a parent toss out an empty threat I think to myself, “That kid knows nothing’s going to happen to him.”  And nine times out of ten, the little angel is back at it again in mere minutes.

“Oh, but if I throw away my kids toys, then it’ll just cost me more to replace them.”  Stop your whining.  It won’t cost you anything because you won’t be replacing anything.  Why, you may ask?  Because that would be the same as doing nothing.  Actually, it would be worse because your little monster now knows that ignoring you profits a new toy.  “Oh, but the birthday party isn’t finished yet.”  Please see the above comment about whining.  Guess what, you don’t get to stay for the whole party.  Say your good-byes and head for the car.  The wrath about which, junior will have to face…and remember.

So sack up a little and do your job.  Lay down a rule and stick to it.  Make the hard choice now and then.  You’ll be surprised how quickly an even keel is reached.  Because kids are smart, and they do learn quickly…especially when the perspective is really brought home.

I suppose this speaks to my last entry about being the “hammer”, which tweaked a handful of you (you’re welcome – hehe) but it is related.  This is an opportunity to makes everyone’s life a little better in the long run.  But it does take some fortitude.  I don’t want to ban some toys from use in my house…I love toys.  I don’t want to cut outings short, or cancel something fun…I really love fun.  But guess what, I’ve done it and suffered near as much as my kids at the time.  But I knew that because of the short span of irritation, there has been much more overall joy at the homestead.  My boys know that threats are not made idly and I know that I'll need to make them less and less frequently.

That is all.

Ralston Has Spoken.

Hammer Away, My Friends.

You are not your kid’s best friend.  You should not try to be your kid’s best friend.  A best friend is a wonderful thing and I value mine beyond words.  However, you are a parent.  You don’t have the luxury of being that person to your children.  That’s because you have to do more than a best friend could ever do.  You need to shape a child’s system of ethics, clear the path he is to take in life, develop his social skills and decision making; and maybe most of all, you need to lay down discipline.

Is there a parent in the world that does not want to be his child’s best friend…I doubt it.  I do.  But I am realizing, especially as my boys get older, that it will be many years before I think it’s best that they consider me a friend first.  And I’m pretty happy about that.  When I tell my kids to jump, I don’t want them to view it as a suggestion – as one might from a buddy.  I want them to start hopping.  And I don’t see anything wrong with that.  A parent word needs to be law.  It need not be overbearing.

A parent’s word needs to be law.  It need not be overbearing or unreasonable, but it does need to be the way it is.  There is no sense in giving an order if there is precedent that non-compliance is OK.  A friend requests things, a friend asks, a friend offers advice.  A parent does this as well because your kids are still people, and to be treated with respect.  However, as a parent I also give directives, dole out responsibilities, dictate life choices – and ultimately, am responsible for how my kid’s lives are shaped.  So when dad says go, I expect the little citizens of clan Ralston to start hopping.

Now, as an adult, I see my dad as a good friend, but it wasn’t always that way.  Hell, depending on his mood (or mine) on any given day, it may seem like that now.  For half my life, or more, my parents were my guides through life, the benchmark of how to act, and how not to act.  They drew limits and formed my moral basis for decision making.  And they occasionally played the hammer.  That sucked pretty hard as a kid, but now I can’t thank them enough.  I thank them because I think I have become a good person, friendly, creative, outgoing, and someone I humbly believe is a good friend to others.  But mostly, I thank them because it also taught me how to be a good parent myself.

So…next time a “teaching” opportunity presents itself between you and your kids, ask yourself, “Is this something my kid should learn from a friend?”  If it takes more than half a second to answer, then it’s time to be the parent first.  The friend reaction might not be completely wrong, but it certainly won’t have the impact of the parent reaction.  Parent reactions are remembered, they are learned from.  Be the hammer.  It might not feel great, but if you will be doing a favor.  The next time a situation arises for that kid, and you can’t be around to lend a nudge in the right direction, you’ll have peace of mind that little Timmy will have your voice in his head.

There will be benefits to you for this as well.  They will seem small to you, but will be huge to your child.  They will come in the form of sharing his first beer when he’s still a teenager.  They will be felt when giving him the keys to your car for the first time.  They will be the (relative) calm when he and his buddies go off for the weekend by themselves.  Your son or daughter will be confident and more self assured in these situations that things are OK.  Because they have learned that even though the same activity may not have gotten the parental stamp in the past things must be good now, they must be ready.  They might not realize that’s what happened or notice a change in themselves.  On the contrary, they may actually feel that the old man has finally wised up and loosened the strings a bit.  But that is secondary.  It doesn’t matter what their perception of the change is, as long as they go into whatever situation with the basis you have laid.

And someday, when they are grown, you’ll be able to sit together with a cold beer and a good cigar and reminisce as friends (insert autobiographic image here).  That is the real payoff.  It may not happen for a very long time, but I assure you that it’s worth the wait.

So, don’t be afraid to be The Hammer.  You’ll be more in control.  Your kids will have a less chaotic, more well-disciplined, and self secure childhood.  They will thank you for it; probably in more ways than they can imagine.

That is all.

The Hammer has Spoken.

Do You Really Care?

I try to stay away from current events.  Mine would just be one more voice in an ever increasingly chaotic din.  However, I need to get something off my chest.  And considering I’m correct, it’s really more of a public service announcement.

When it comes to our sports viewing, why do we care about anything except on field play?  On an almost daily basis I hear from co-workers, radio, television or newspaper about the evils of professional athletes.  They always seem to be under suspicion of something, getting arrested for something else, or squawking to the media about themselves.  Who cares?

If Steve Jobs was arrested tomorrow for drunk driving, would you give up your iPhone?  Doubtful.  If Bill Shor or Larry Page were in the news saying that Google was more important than life itself and that they deserved a raise (even thought they are multi-millionaires already), would you stop using the world’s most comprehensive search engine?  Short anwer – no.  If it turns out that “The Social Network” was even close to correct, and Mark Zuckerberg is a complete dick and maybe somewhat of a criminal, will you close your Facebook account…HAHA!!

So, why do we impose a different set of values on athletes?  Rhetorical of course, because there actually are some answers that I’ve heard.  Higher visibility, we’re more emotionally invested in our sports teams, we’re more financially invested, etc.  BULLSHIT!  I don’t want to hear it.

Don’t we root for laundry anyway?  Free agency in every sport assured that.  Players move around so much you need a score card to tell who’s on your team (no pun intended).  That started their facelessness.  I say amen.  I just want them to perform well.  I want my teams to win.

Hell, we’re not even doling out our scorn equally.  Everyone hates Michael Vick because of the dog fighting.  He got caught, went to jail, paid for it, and will be paying for it one way or the other forever.  And people are boycotting him, the Eagles and the NFL entirely for that.  If you’re one of those short-sighted folks, more power to you.  Freedom of choice and all.  However, did you boycott the Phillies when Brett Myers was beating his wife, got away with it, and got a raise?!?  I doubt it.  Did you stop watching baseball when every home run king (in the modern era) was found to have taken a drug to make their game better?  Hardly.  Have you stopped watching basketball because of the rampant drug use and illegitimate child bearing that is admitted my most of the league?  Of course not.  So please pick your arguments correctly. 

Let’s face it; the personal lives of these players don’t affect you at all, and you know it.  Get off your soap box, relax a little, and enjoy a sporting event for what it should be…a few hours of entertainment.

That brings us to salaries.  Players, most of them, are millionaires.  Owners, most of them, are billionaires.  So why should I suffer because of their petty financial arguments?  Well, I shouldn’t.  But, unfortunately, we contribute to this one.  Every time you bitch about player salaries, ask yourself how much sports related stuff you own.  Hats, shirts, jerseys, posters, an endorsed glove or bat, etc.  It all adds up.  The players and owners each get a piece.  Do you purchase food or drink that the players individually or sports leagues as a whole endorse?  Do you purchase anything advertised during any sporting event?  Do you pay for tickets to go see the games?

I content that if the answer is yes to ANY of those questions, then you have no leg to stand on when it comes to complaining about how much they make.  If we all stopped drinking Budweiser and Coors Light (aside from showing good taste) the sports teams would need to re-evaluate the almighty dollar, but that’s not realistic any time soon.

I’m not absolving myself of all these things, but I also don’t whine about Ryan Howard’s $20,000,000 per year contract.  He asked, the owners agreed, good for him.  I may not be able to afford Eagles tickets, or more than a handful of Phillies tickets a year, but I’m OK with that.  Frankly, I’d rather watch from home anyway.  And I can sleep very well at night in my Eagles PJ’s.

That is all.

Ralston Has Spoken.

Words...Words...Words...

      Words are only “bad” because we apply so much value to them.  That's a very basic principle, but as I recently considered it I let myself formulate another of my intrinsically correct theories.  While playing a video game the other day, I was surprised to find myself more taken aback than anticipated when the game dropped the dreaded F-bomb.  The main character of Medal of Honor: Black Ops (yes, that’s an endorsement – cause the game is just that much fun) was tied to a chair and fired off some language that I of the Intellivision generation was not accustomed.  I immediately blanched.  Then I had a second thought.  This doesn’t need to be a big deal.

     We attach such horror to these little strings of letters that you would think that Satan himself conjured them.  Children the world over have recited, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me."  Have we completely forgotten that?  Sure, an insult can temporarily wound the psyche, but only because of the generations of programming that we have all endured.
Now, do I want my kids to turn to me as I play my session of Black Ops and say, "Hey dad, It was fucking awesome, the way you took it to that nazi pussy!"  Of course not...except that I really did.  But I don't want them to say it for a different reason than you think.  Not really because these words are never to be used, but because I think my kids are smarter than that.  Or I at least want them to be.  There is always a way to be smart enough and clever enough to find more interesting ways to express themselves.  We adults use this language all the time, and I'm not say we're all dumbing down our language...but we might just be.
     So, I suppose since this is better directed to the adults out there.  Especially all you puritans that still pronounce it H-E-double hockey sticks.  Just stop it.  We all know what Hell is (I may not believe in it - stay tuned for that blog later - but I use it) and that we know that using the word ads punch to an exclamation.  Same goes for fuck, shit, dick, etc.  Ooo...
     This is just one step in my plan to allow ourselves to be expressive without feeling constantly wounded by the mere sound of a word.  Ask yourself if you are really that horrified when you hear another adult spewing profanities (a word I hesitate to use in this context)?  If so, why?  Was this person trying to make you feel bad?  Was he actively yelling directly at you for some reason?  Do you have some underlying reason that someone else's vocabulary should make you take offense?  I suspect the answer is no.  And, if it is, then just relax a bit.
     On to the inevitable "But Peter, there is no reason for using this kind of language."  Well, you are correct.  There is no reason, really.  There are always options, and I like to think I can craft a string of exclamation without the 7 deadly words, but sometimes it's just more fun to use them.  Sometimes it really just feels right.  It needs to be in the back of our minds that unless my exclamations are directed specifically at you, then please don't take offense.  It's just words.  THEY CAN'T HURT YOU!
     My challenge to you my readers, and to myself, is to be more intelligent, more creative and more original than we as a population normally purport ourselves.  Because while I like to throw down a juicy fuck you now and then, sometimes it cuts more to actually use a new word.  Let's just live and let live.  Remember that whole freedom of speech thing the founding fathers came up with?  I think it's a damn good idea.  I'm not even saying that you have to like someone's language, but consider why you don't like it.  And if you can't take it, then you can always walk away.  That's freedom of choice.  Look at that...point 2 for the founders.

See you next time.

Ralston Has Spoken.