You are not your kid’s best friend. You should not try to be your kid’s best friend. A best friend is a wonderful thing and I value mine beyond words. However, you are a parent. You don’t have the luxury of being that person to your children. That’s because you have to do more than a best friend could ever do. You need to shape a child’s system of ethics, clear the path he is to take in life, develop his social skills and decision making; and maybe most of all, you need to lay down discipline.
Is there a parent in the world that does not want to be his child’s best friend…I doubt it. I do. But I am realizing, especially as my boys get older, that it will be many years before I think it’s best that they consider me a friend first. And I’m pretty happy about that. When I tell my kids to jump, I don’t want them to view it as a suggestion – as one might from a buddy. I want them to start hopping. And I don’t see anything wrong with that. A parent word needs to be law. It need not be overbearing.
A parent’s word needs to be law. It need not be overbearing or unreasonable, but it does need to be the way it is. There is no sense in giving an order if there is precedent that non-compliance is OK. A friend requests things, a friend asks, a friend offers advice. A parent does this as well because your kids are still people, and to be treated with respect. However, as a parent I also give directives, dole out responsibilities, dictate life choices – and ultimately, am responsible for how my kid’s lives are shaped. So when dad says go, I expect the little citizens of clan Ralston to start hopping.
Now, as an adult, I see my dad as a good friend, but it wasn’t always that way. Hell, depending on his mood (or mine) on any given day, it may seem like that now. For half my life, or more, my parents were my guides through life, the benchmark of how to act, and how not to act. They drew limits and formed my moral basis for decision making. And they occasionally played the hammer. That sucked pretty hard as a kid, but now I can’t thank them enough. I thank them because I think I have become a good person, friendly, creative, outgoing, and someone I humbly believe is a good friend to others. But mostly, I thank them because it also taught me how to be a good parent myself.
So…next time a “teaching” opportunity presents itself between you and your kids, ask yourself, “Is this something my kid should learn from a friend?” If it takes more than half a second to answer, then it’s time to be the parent first. The friend reaction might not be completely wrong, but it certainly won’t have the impact of the parent reaction. Parent reactions are remembered, they are learned from. Be the hammer. It might not feel great, but if you will be doing a favor. The next time a situation arises for that kid, and you can’t be around to lend a nudge in the right direction, you’ll have peace of mind that little Timmy will have your voice in his head.
There will be benefits to you for this as well. They will seem small to you, but will be huge to your child. They will come in the form of sharing his first beer when he’s still a teenager. They will be felt when giving him the keys to your car for the first time. They will be the (relative) calm when he and his buddies go off for the weekend by themselves. Your son or daughter will be confident and more self assured in these situations that things are OK. Because they have learned that even though the same activity may not have gotten the parental stamp in the past things must be good now, they must be ready. They might not realize that’s what happened or notice a change in themselves. On the contrary, they may actually feel that the old man has finally wised up and loosened the strings a bit. But that is secondary. It doesn’t matter what their perception of the change is, as long as they go into whatever situation with the basis you have laid.
And someday, when they are grown, you’ll be able to sit together with a cold beer and a good cigar and reminisce as friends (insert autobiographic image here). That is the real payoff. It may not happen for a very long time, but I assure you that it’s worth the wait.
So, don’t be afraid to be The Hammer. You’ll be more in control. Your kids will have a less chaotic, more well-disciplined, and self secure childhood. They will thank you for it; probably in more ways than they can imagine.
That is all.
The Hammer has Spoken.
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