One day you’re walking through the living room and step on a transformer. Ouch! It’s maddening and you bark that they need to get picked up. Then you grab them and put them in a box. The next time you notice them before crushing one, and tell your son that there will be consequences if he forgets again. Then you move them aside so they aren’t in the way. The third time, you proclaimed that the next time little Timmy forgets to clean up his toys and leaves action figures strewn about the floor they will go in the trash. You know what happens on day four? Nothing. Nothing but more shouting about keeping toys neat and what will happen next time. You know what else just happened? Little Timmy learned that he owns you.
They say that kids benefit from routine. “They” in this case being those who know more than I about how children really develop. They say kids learn fast. They say kids are smarter than we give them credit (I would argue this about many, MANY children, but that’s a different essay). So, if all that is true, then you just established a routine in which no action was required by your child, no real consequences were dealt, and nothing substantial changed. That is, except maybe your blood pressure.
I’ve seen it countless times; parents threatening their kids with something that gets no follow through. For several years I owned a business for kids. We had play time, birthday parties, etc. Literally, on a daily basis I witnessed some out of control child get admonished by mom or dad and threatened with leaving early, denial of snack, whatever. Minutes later, Little Suzie was back to her old ways and the parent was threatening the EXACT SAME THING! How dumb do you think Suzie is? If I know that you aren’t taking her out of there early after seeing this happen only once, then it’s a sure bet that she knows you have no intention of going through with it as well.
Even I, parent of the year, have succumbed to the easy way out. I like to think I’ve done it less than most. But who knows. I do know that every time I do it, I’m aware of how much harder it makes the job of parenting. It’s one thing to get away with the threat of taking something away. It will work once, maybe twice...but that’s probably as far as you’ll get. It’s a whole different story when a box of Lego finds the bottom of a trash can. That sort of thing is remembered. That will effect a change.
There’s nothing wrong with actually taking action. More so, it’s probably in everyone’s best interest. You can gain peace of mind that things will go more the way you want, and your child will have learned, really learned, a valuable lesson that actions (or lack thereof) can have a cost. This is a base on which behavior is built. And it will be built at some point, but you don’t want it to be too late. Would it be better to be learned for the first time in school, in a relationship, at work? Of course not. Why not take care of it before things get out of hand?
And there’s a secondary reason for enacting whatever warning you give to little Timmy. You won’t be judged and mocked by other adults around you. And there is mocking. Darn near every time I see a parent toss out an empty threat I think to myself, “That kid knows nothing’s going to happen to him.” And nine times out of ten, the little angel is back at it again in mere minutes.
“Oh, but if I throw away my kids toys, then it’ll just cost me more to replace them.” Stop your whining. It won’t cost you anything because you won’t be replacing anything. Why, you may ask? Because that would be the same as doing nothing. Actually, it would be worse because your little monster now knows that ignoring you profits a new toy. “Oh, but the birthday party isn’t finished yet.” Please see the above comment about whining. Guess what, you don’t get to stay for the whole party. Say your good-byes and head for the car. The wrath about which, junior will have to face…and remember.
So sack up a little and do your job. Lay down a rule and stick to it. Make the hard choice now and then. You’ll be surprised how quickly an even keel is reached. Because kids are smart, and they do learn quickly…especially when the perspective is really brought home.
I suppose this speaks to my last entry about being the “hammer”, which tweaked a handful of you (you’re welcome – hehe) but it is related. This is an opportunity to makes everyone’s life a little better in the long run. But it does take some fortitude. I don’t want to ban some toys from use in my house…I love toys. I don’t want to cut outings short, or cancel something fun…I really love fun. But guess what, I’ve done it and suffered near as much as my kids at the time. But I knew that because of the short span of irritation, there has been much more overall joy at the homestead. My boys know that threats are not made idly and I know that I'll need to make them less and less frequently.
That is all.
Ralston Has Spoken.
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