Quantity, not Quality

Quality time.  What a terrible concept.  Nothing like sending the message to your son that the fifteen minutes you spent having a catch make up for not having seen him in three days because you decided to work late one day, go drinking after work the next, and spent the next recovering before going back to work on Monday.  Better be careful; one day you’ll wake up as the character in a Harry Chapin song.

I can’t remember the first time I heard about spending quality time with someone.  I suppose I was just a kid, and it didn’t mean that much to me at the time.  I suspect that’s because I had two wonderful parents.  I won’t say that they didn’t have their own lives, but I honestly don’t think I was ever lacking for parental company.  Mom and dad were always there for me, even if it was to do nothing in particular.  For kids growing up seeing a parent whenever possible, and having quality time may have been the only option.  I have friends that were in that position.  Looking back I think that I never considered that odd, but perspectives change.  I wish for those friends that they could have been in the situation not to need quality, but had the chance to get quantity.  Sometimes that’s all it takes.

My boys and I spend a lot of time together.  Sometimes I’m sure they wish it wasn’t so much; but better that than grade school one day, then blinking only to find them going off to college.  We run the gambit of activities.  Sports, games (both video and board), family outings, etc.  All that, in some context, could be considered quality time.  However, trumping that quality is the other times when we do the most mundane things, whether that is to just sit and watch The Simpsons, hang out on the patio and read, or sit together and tackle some tricky homework.  Quantity time.  It's in these times we get to know each other.

Some of my fondest memories from a very early age are of doing nothing particularly special with my parents.  I remember walking through Berlin Park with my mom, and laying in the backyard one summer night with my dad and talking about the stars.  Not tantalizing, to be sure, but it made me feel good.  Made me start to realize, subconsciously, what it meant to be a good parent.  They continue even today.  Just this week I spent a few hours with dad smoking a cigar, playing chess and discussing gardening and some good books.  If your life is one in which these things didn’t (or don’t) happen, I sympathize. 

Maybe the best thing about Quantity Time is that it lets your kids know that they are special all the time.  I don’t want to discount a trip to an amusement park, or a big present, or tickets to a Phillies game.  These things are fantastic for everyone.  But think about it.  Eventually, if you only do things with the kiddies that are as much for you as for them, won’t they feel that their lives aren’t enough for you?  I might be reading too much into this one, but I think I’m on the right track.

Do nothing once in a while.  You’ll be surprised how often that nothing turns into a lasting memory for you and your child.  They don’t need to be constantly entertained.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is let them feel that dad is there.  Go out of your way to just be around more often than you think is required.  The minute you start to qualify the time you spend with your kids you start to qualify them as well.  Don’t do it.  They are too important.

That is all

Ralston Has Spoken