This week’s lesson is actually a question to myself. I wonder sometimes if my personal beliefs get in the way of me being the best parent I can be. Does me sticking to my philosophical guns short change my kids sometimes? The short answer is, of course, yes. I suppose that means the complicated answer is maybe. Now this is riveting stuff, I know, but bear with me.
Upon reflecting on some events from the past several years, I actually find myself questioning the validity of some of the ways my kids are raised. This doesn’t sit well with me because I like to think I’m doing a bang up job. However, what if there is a better path? Just because I happen not to believe something doesn’t mean it isn’t right for my kids. After all, I have embraced things my parents would have dismissed. I have shrugged off certain ideals that I know my parents held true. And I turned out darn near perfect.
This all started when my boys were cub scouts. I actually think scouting is a pretty good organization, but I can’t get away from the overly Christian, quite homophobic attitudes that still permeate the whole group. So I did nothing to keep my boys from leaving the order when they asked if they could. A little part of me didn’t want them in that clan. But they did meet new friends and had a relatively fun time while participating. I suppose the fact that they lost interest on their own says that being involved in it wasn’t their particular cup of tea. However, what if I gently nudged one of them to stick with it through Boy Scouts and onto Eagle Scout? What if that decision would have opened up a life path that I cannot foresee, but would have truly been wonderful?
A more current example would be our lack of involvement in the church, or rather any religious organization. I simply don’t believe in it any longer. I was raised Catholic. And I don’t think there is anything actually wrong with the teachings of the church; do unto others, thou shalt not kill, and all that. However, I personally think that organized religion is a joke. Do I need a white robed Sheppard to tell me it’s bad to steal, or kill, or covet another’s wife? Well, maybe the wife thing – I have some really hot friends, but come on. So because of my personal beliefs my sons will need to make their own decision about religion when they are old enough to do that.
I suppose that since I’m the parent it’s easy to say that I am always doing what is best for the kids. But what I’m really doing is making them live by what I think is best for me. And it’s not that I’m denying them the chance to do anything they express an interest in, or pushing them to hard toward things I may like. My job as a parent is just to give them room to grow, to provide guidance when needed, to nurture interests, and to shape their philosophy. I know they will be independent enough to mold their own set of values as they grow up, but that will start with the lump of ethical clay I provide.
When it comes down to it, I realize that we all just try to give our children what they need as they need it and hope it’s the right stuff at the time. This business of being responsible for another’s life just really gets my second-guessing juices flowing sometimes. I don’t think I would changes the way I raise my kids, but I don’t think it hurts to ask “what if” sometimes. What if certain experiences would be good for them in the long run but I’ve denied it because of my own personal beliefs? What if my talent as a bass player (hehe) is what made my son choose the upright bass in the school orchestra when he was destined to play oboe instead? What if I’m not pushing them enough in one area (athletics or chess or writing) because I want them to be well rounded, when they could go on to greater heights in one specific arena? What if, what if, what if. I drive myself nuts some days.
I know this is not the definitive article you have come to know and love from this series. Never fear. I’ll be back to that soon enough. Just wanted to let everyone out there know that I may have all the answers, and I be where you turn (rightly so) for advice on any number of topics, but I am after all human. I’ll come to terms with this particular chink in my armor soon enough. Until then…
RALSTON HAS SPOKEN
THAT IS ALL
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