Why do you have kids? I ask this because I'm not really sure why I have kids. I always swore I wouldn't have any until I could figure out for myself why I wanted any. Never could nail that down, but here I am with two great boys. Wouldn't trade them for the world, would give my life for them, blah, blah, blah. But it still makes me scratch my head sometimes. Had a great childhood, so guess I just wanted to replicate my childhood and the family I grew up in. Don’t know. Not the point.
Brings me to my point that children should not be, in my humble opinion, what makes you happy at your core. I'm not saying they shouldn't bring happiness. Of course they should. But if you say having kids is what creates the primary happiness in your life, then I say some self examination is in order. I've never understood people who longed so much for kids that they felt incomplete without them. Is that really a good reason to have children? "Hey, I know what should make me a happier person. I'll start a new life. So what if it doesn't work and I'm still hollow afterward, at least I'll only be messing up just my own life." I assume no snide remark is needed to illustrate that stupidity.
I contend that what makes you happy, or maybe more accurately "complete", should NOT be your kids. Is it fair to you or the new bundle of joy that you assume bringing a child into the world is what might make you whole? What if it doesn't work? What if, after your third kid, you still have that part of your soul that isn't overflowing with rapture? Then you've truly fucked five lives. It's just not right.
Let me take another moment to clarify before you fire up your email. I love my kids. I derive great pleasure from my children. I would give my life (and yours) for them. But I never felt that my life needed to have the addition of caring for a child to make it whole. Hell, for most of my life I avoided kids at all cost. Still do most of the time. So you may be seeing me in a duplicitous light about now. That’s OK, because I feel it sometimes. If chance, or choice, would have dictated that I never had kids I believe to my core that I would be just as happy, just as complete, as I am now. “How can that be?” you may ask. It’s because your sense of self, sense of worth, sense of life needs to be generated primarily from yourself. If you cannot feel whole alone, then how can true happiness come from a self fulfilling prophecy – I mean child.
Back to the debate at hand. I suppose I think about it like this…. Say you’ve always wanted kids. You think children are the future; you believe we should teach them and let them lead the way; that we need to show them all the beauty they posses inside. UGH! God, what pap.
If you happen to feel that the sun of your life, of your meaning and purpose, rises and sets with (and because of) your kids, what do you say to someone who does not have any? Say your best friend has chosen not to have kids, or that friend is unable to have kids. I frankly don’t think it matters either way, but how do you feel toward that person assuming your life is better?
Guess what, your life is NOT better. Not for that one reason. I have friends that don’t have kids and if god came down today and told me we were going to go back and start again but switch paths, I think I’d be OK with that – THE HORROR!!! “Did he say he’d give up his kids? Would he let someone have his children? How could he live without the? No, no, no. Think about it. Would you be, REALLY be, less satisfied without your kids; if you never had them in the first place? I think it’s just a different kind of happiness. Different avenues of life would/could get explored. Different hardships to overcome. Different choices to make.
Being willing to give my life for my kids does not mean I can’t imagine a life having never had them. If you can’t; my sympathies. I truly think you need to expand your life’s awareness.
That is all.
Ralston Has Spoken.
"I would give my life (and yours) for them." Poetry.
ReplyDeleteKudos for your viewpoint here. (I always thought the line "You complete me" from Jerry McGuire was PATHETIC -- you need to be a person before wives, husbands, kids etc, come along.)
I could have been happy without kids, but that's because I have dreams and plans -- purpose. Those who don't have these things say things like, "I don't know what my life was for before I had kids." Blech.
That said, I do think my kids bring me a higher level of happiness than I would have known without them. But the question you raise is important: if I never knew that happiness, would I miss it?